JOTD (joke of the day)

[Phildo 2]

You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one -- I was checking my presidential history -- he was not the first candidate to use the phrase 'Yes we can!' Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns.

[Phildo 2]

Ooooops, I am sorry for breaking rules with the politcal jokes.

[Phildo 2]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[Number7 86]

You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one -- I was checking my presidential history -- he was not the first candidate to use the phrase 'Yes we can!' Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns.

 

Thats a good one. George:cool:

[dzJeepChic 2,441]

Vinnie and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly, Sal grabs his

chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are

rolled back in his head.

 

Vinnie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I

think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow

my instructions. First, let’s make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence………….and then a shot is heard.

 

Vinnie’s voice comes back on the line,

 

"Okay... now what?”

[dzJeepChic 2,441]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.’’ She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

 

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'here, try these on.’ She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don 't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

 

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.’ Karen said, 'Exactly, And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

 

d

[dzJeepChic 2,441]

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where 2 Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

d

 

 

[dzJeepChic 2,441]

 

A young farm boy comes down for breakfast. His mother asks if he

has done his chores.

 

'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no

breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so

when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows,

he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of

dry cereal.

 

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon and why don't I have

any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you

kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the

pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the

cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat

halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a

smile and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?'

[dzJeepChic 2,441]

A cowboy, who just moved to Idaho fromTexas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

 

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

 

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the BaptistChurch and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

 

[dzJeepChic 2,441]

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing football without a helmet.

 

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

 

BUTT (but) n

female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."

male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal.

Also good for mooning.

 

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

 

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything that can be done while drinking

 

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male

bonding.

 

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.