JOTD (joke of the day)

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

Received this in an email today. d

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IDIOT SIGHTING #1

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

 

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

 

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

 

We haven't used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

 

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by

cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 

Story from Collingwood, Ontario.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

From Winnipeg, Manitoba.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

Happened in Toronto , Ontario.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #6

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a provincial government employee in Montreal, P.Q.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

 

This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph, Ontario.

 

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well that they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely!

 

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

 

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

d

 

 

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Things Too Seriously

 

- A day without sunshine is like...night.

 

- He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 

- On the other hand, you have different fingers

 

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

 

- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

 

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 

- Remember, half the people you know are below average.

 

- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 

- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

 

- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

 

- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

 

- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

 

- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 

- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

 

- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

 

- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

On his birthday, a man with an ED problem got a gift certificate from his wife.

 

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

 

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned: "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected .... You take only a teaspoonful and then say, '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and be able to perform as long as you want!"

 

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, '1-2-3-4'," the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked. When he got home, he shaved, showered, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men! His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes ... and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because, if we do, we could end up with a dangling participle.

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

I pointed across the bar at two old drunks and said, "that's us in ten years", my friend said, "that's a mirror dip ****".

 

Ha! (Thanks Randy!)

[minirails 0]

I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up i...n the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

Bwahaha!

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

 

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[ob1jeeper 484]

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

 

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

 

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

 

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

TOO funny...:p:p:p:p;)

[dzJeepChic 2,427]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

 

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

 

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

 

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

 

'Moses,' replied the bird.

 

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

 

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.