JOTD (joke of the day)

[ob1jeeper 564]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 

Worried that it might be from a second surgery, which the doctors may not have told him about... He finally worked up the courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

 

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... Yep... You know the kind...

 

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence;

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the blue Jeep you pulled over last week."

[dzJeepChic 2,565]

[ob1jeeper 564]

GOOD one D...

[dzJeepChic 2,565]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 lb. weight loss program.

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lbs. as promised.

 

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 25 lb. program.

 

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

 

He lost 33 lbs. that week.

[dzJeepChic 2,565]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was

that there was no SEX after life at all.

 

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

 

" Marion .... Marion "

 

"Is that you, Bob?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun

and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then

pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I

catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over

again"

 

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

 

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere on a Golf Course in South Carolina .”

[scottL 179]

This Mushroom walks into a bar.

The Bartender asks, "What's the matter, bud?"

The Mushroom says, "Why don't I have any friends, I'm a fungi?"

 

d

 

ha ha! i heard a different version of this one some time ago:

 

Why did everyone at the party crowd around the toadstool? because he was such a fungi.

 

then why did everyone leave? because there wasn't mushroom:rolleyes:

[ob1jeeper 564]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the

farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to

the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of

the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

 

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!

[ob1jeeper 564]

Fifty Shades of Fishing

 

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

 

Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

 

"Crap Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

 

Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her

hands over my eyes and asked, Guess who?"

 

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie and nothing else. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over.

 

Well, she's been reading that book, 50 Shades of Gray. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes!

 

She told me to tie her up and handcuff her to the bed, and then..... "Do whatever you want."

 

 

 

So, Here I am...

[ob1jeeper 564]

Always look for "The Big Picture..."

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

 

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

 

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says;

- 'Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

- Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

- Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

- Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

- Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

 

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

 

"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent."

[Curly 973]